a little more head etiquette
As mentioned in ‘do girls like giving head’, a great way to get a rubbish blowjob is to ask for one in the first 5 seconds of hooking up. Another great way to fail is to ask twice in a row. For example, you ask someone and they don’t refuse, perhaps they smile and kiss you more, but they don’t actually do it; this is not because they didn’t hear you – it’s because they do not want to, but don’t want to make things awkward by flat out refusing.
Don’t ask again.
Maybe they’ll relent just to shut you up, but as we discussed previously; unenthusiastic head isn’t very good, and you don’t want to be that kind of person anyway.
This may sound like patronising ‘consent’ lecturing; but sometimes lines are subtle and people are oblivious to the fact they’ve crossed them.
Women have been taught to be coy and men have been taught to be persistent, which further confuses matters.
What’s more, some people get off on being ordered around in the bedroom. But that is mild kink territory, and it’s unwise to make assumptions about people’s kinks until you’ve gotten to know them sexually.
The parable of the peach
Two friends often hooked up. One day they did anal at the guy’s request, but it was uncomfortable for the girl so she changed position. The guy quickly asked to do it again. This felt like a direct lack of respect and the girl made a mental note never to sleep with him again. She harboured a little resentment. Months later she spoke to him about it; he was mortified, and very apologetic. He had no idea that he’d made a mistake. All was forgiven (although there was no make up sex…?)
Moral of the story
1) own lube
2) don’t ask twice
3) communicate – subtlety is lost on a lot of people!
How about the people in relationships trying to navigate some level of head equality?
Obviously you can’t expect more than you’re willing to give. But what if you’re giving and not getting?
You don’t ask, you don’t get… but conversely the more you ask the less you get, because the person will feel too hassled. However, if you only ask occasionally and still get rejected, you might feel resentful… and the other person might feel resentful too for being put in that situation… COMPLICATED.
What you first need to remember is that it is never ever ok to get annoyed with someone because you’re not getting what you want. Head is a gift, not a measure of someone’s character. I have been guilty of making this mistake before.
What you need to establish is why you’re getting less than you’re giving. In other words, why doesn’t your partner want to?
You need to ask them!
Perhaps you’re not going to like their answer, but often the more difficult a conversation, the more important it is to have.
Maybe they just want to netflix and actually chill; navigating differences in sex drives is hard but it’s something most couples have to deal with.
Or what if actually they just think it’s kind of gross? See this post if so, or if you’re a bit squeamish too.
Ultimately, some people are just not sexually compatible.
Guidelines for all:
Be confident yet light-hearted when you request something or make a move
Be rejected graciously