sperm at a party

Did you know about the crazy lives sperm lead?

Sperm are mad little things. And once they’re inside a woman they have been likened to a rugby team; competing, protecting and attacking. I’m not sure what sport they would play if they’ve been shot into the back alley. Anyway.

What do sperm actually get up to in their journey?

First off, should you worry about pre-cum; potentially yes. Active sperm have been found in the pre-cum of about 15% of the men tested. Interestingly, those that had it, always had it, and those didn’t, never did. But unless you were in those studies you’re not going to know whether you’re a sperm pre-cummer or not.

Vaginas are normally too acidic for sperm to survive for long in. But when women are turned on their juice has a higher ph (less acidic), which means the sperm are protected. Although motile sperm have been found in the vagina up to 12 hours after ejaculation, most sperm are pretty useless after 30 minutes in there. Sperm need to travel through the vagina and up to the cervix where it’s safer.

Only about 200, out of 280 million, will successfully get through the cervical canal. Beware if your partner’s contraceptive is the copper IUD coil though, the copper causes the sperm’s head to separate from the tail. Tiny, sad, decapitations.

If they get to the cervix, sperm get a little holiday. The cervix has a hundred or so crypts. These crypts have a few functions, including providing a space for the sperm to rest and recuperate and get fed. The sperm can stay in their little cervix houses for hours or even days!

There is evidence that we have evolved for sperm competition; this means that sperm from different men can compete with each other once inside the female. Some researchers suggest that this means we’ve all evolved to sleep around. For example, spunking consists of 3 – 9 spurts. The early spurts have properties that protect sperm from attack, whereas the late spurts have properties that are harmful to sperm, possibly to try and attack the next guys’. 

Now, sperm come within the semen, and semen contains various minerals, proteins and hormones. Including melatonin, which is linked with sleepiness, oxytocin, which is linked with feelings of bonding and attachment, and serotonin, which has antidepressant properties. One study found that women who were getting spunk in them, were less depressed. This is not an argument for not using condoms, because an abortion is depressing as hell let me tell you, as taking the pill can also be. But it is a good argument for learning natural fertility methods; once you’ve learnt the correct methods you can have unprotected sex a fair amount of the time. It’s also a pretty good argument for men to be bisexual – get someone else’s antidepressant sperm goodness in you. And in case you hadn’t noticed, I just gifted you with the best excuse you’ll ever get to request head: swallowing is good for you babe! 

Do I need to cover myself by saying that is a joke?

don’t beat around the bush


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