Keeping up with the Joneses: Is Everyone Else Having More Sex Than You?

Keeping up with the Joneses: Is Everyone Else Having More Sex Than You?

What to do if you're worried that your sex life isn't as exciting as everyone else's

Pomegranate looking like womb, ovaries and blood
Warning: Contains explicit content ♦ & is not to be used as medical advice ♥ Disclaimer here

The ‘ideal’ version of sex is all around us; beautiful and busy. The kinkyness in books, the bragging in songs, all those insatiable motherf*ckers in films... Seems like everyone else is getting handjobs in bandstands or whipping out the handcuffs and shagging in handstands…

And I know many of us secretly fear that we do not match up.

Sociologist Michael Kimmel asked male college students across the US to estimate what proportion of their classmates had sex on any given weekend. The guys guessed 80 per cent. Kimmel found that the numbers were staggeringly lower, that more like only 5 per cent to 10 per cent of the guys were actually getting laid. The perception of others’ sexual prowess was quite different from the reality. In this interview for the Guardian, Pink talks about monogamy and says 'you have times when you haven’t had sex in a year'. It's reassuring to know that even someone who sang Lady Marmalade in diamante stockings isn't always getting some.

Multiple studies have found that most people do not communicate effectively about sex and that most romantic partners have difficulty telling each other what pleases and displeases them sexually. But that despite our own struggles we all tend assume everyone else is having more, and better, sex than they actually are.

Lady Marmalade
'You can't sit with us'. Even these ladies have their moments of insecurities and their sexual droughts

We all want everyone to think that we know exactly what we’re doing, that we’re at it all the time and that we’re loving every second of it. But what if we admit that we’re not always sure; that sometimes we feel inadequate, unsatisfied, or upset?

I was at a tipsy dinner party recently when one of the guys asked everyone what their favourite ‘kinky thing’ was, leading with saying to his girlfriend ‘I just love being tied up don’t I’. You could tell everyone else was slightly panicked by this turn in the conversation; presumably thinking something along the lines of ‘Oh christ I don’t really want to mention my arsehole at the dinner table… but what if everyone thinks I’m a prude for having nothing to say...’ or ‘Oh shit I don’t even have a ‘thing’ that I can think of right now...damn how boring am I?!’... Most people settled on saying ‘Pffft. missionary. LOL JKS!’, attempting to give off an air of discreet confidence. The opportunity for an illuminating, honest and probably hilarious discussion was missed because everyone was too worried about not matching up to the others around the table.

 Oh christ I don’t really want to mention my arsehole at the dinner table...

But it’s hard to talk openly about sex and when our culture has it plastered everywhere looking so easy and hot we can’t be blamed for feeling at least a little inadequate. When it comes to this topic our prides are so vulnerable to being wounded because the unspoken accusation is that if you are a desirable man or woman you have it all figured out. And if you don’t, you aren’t.

We don’t expect a chef to just smash out all the best recipes without some training or practise, so why do we expect this from ourselves sexually?!

When we stop attaching our sense of identity so strongly to our sexual habits and realise they don't define us, that we all have similar anxieties and difficulties, and that we have peaks and troughs just like with any other element of our lives; we release ourselves from the pressure to perform or match up and we can then move forward and make positive changes in a relaxed manner, with the aim of as much sexual contentment as possible over time.

Let’s let go of trying to be 100% epic behind closed bedroom doors, forget about comparing our sexual activities to our neighbours’ and instead work on finding our own unique contented ‘happy place’.

Sex Test Machine
Even the Joneses in the Sex Test are looking pretty awkward about that Tit Grab

How do we reach this place of sexual peace that you speak of?

Start by knowing it’s not unusual if things aren’t always great or if  you’re not even having much sex. But then when you are getting some and want to maximise satisfaction - know that communication is key. Studies show that sexual communication has a range of positive outcomes including more satisfying relationships and enhanced sexual health and well-being over your life span.

Communicating about sex requires confidence and the more assertive you are about your own body, the easier this is.

Having a good understanding of your own body enables you to effectively communicate with someone else about it, verbally or non-verbally, and it's best to know your own preferences, hang ups, and emotional needs before you navigate someone else’s.

You need to know your own bits! Not just where to stick it, but knowledge such as how to increase sensation in different areas… how to feel proud of your parts when someone is taking a close look… how to appreciate a near-gasm…

All this and more - cumming soon!

♦ Over to You ♦

Have you ever suffered from sex FOMO? Do you usually talk about sex in a way that sounds more confident than you actually feel? Leave any thoughts below and if you liked this please share it with your friends or foes

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