How to feel less anxious and more confident: In and out the bedroom with Fitzgerald and Pussy Galore

How to Feel Less Anxious and More Confident

In and out the bedroom with Fitzgerald and Pussy Galore

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Warning: Contains explicit content ♦ & is not to be used as medical advice ♥ Disclaimer here

A while back I met a couple of characters; the following is the backstory of how I met them and how they gave me newfound confidence and peace of mind. And a great orgasm.

FOREWORD: Advice on mental health can often sound mildly ridiculous, deeply patronising, or entirely unrealistic. When you’re chugging along feeling fine and you read something about Finding Your Inner Voice; you understandably scoff and dismiss it as new age psycho-babble that you’ll never need and that wouldn’t work anyway. On the other hand, when you’re feeling so depressed that just getting through each day is a slow and joyless challenge, like wading through cold mud; hearing some Cheery Tips for Achieving Happiness will probably just sicken you to your core. All situations are different and there is no Solution For Perfection, but in general it’s just every little helps; the more techniques for good mental health that you know the better prepared you are incase you need them. Whether that be for preventing a breakdown, reducing day to day anxiety, or avoiding disheartening sexual experiences.

The story of Fitzgerald (reducing anxiety):

I was staying in an Australian pub in the middle of Absolutely Nowhere and was fairly depressed; when you live and work in a pub it's very easy to not see enough daylight and to drink too much (and being surrounded by miles and miles of dust and mining pits is not exactly inspiring). One blisteringly hot morning I found an interesting book in the library, written by a therapist whose advice was to imagine you have a tiny alien that has invaded your brain... The alien invader has not learnt self restraint or compassion and so causes you all manner of mental unrest until you can teach it how to behave like a kind and mature human.

Alien heads

The idea being that hearing your own insecurities, hang ups and fears in the third person - The Alien - allows you to consider them objectively, thus removing some of their power over you and allowing you to retort with a more positive line of thinking. This book is what reminded me of Fitzgerald, a guy I met a few years back. Fitzgerald is very small and defensive and has a nasty habit of lashing out. He's fluffy like the Cup-a-Soup monster and has big innocent eyes that look up sheepishly whenever he knows he's done wrong (he does try not to give an insulting and fretful running commentary on my life but he can't help himself):

“Those random people who you don't even know probably have more fun than you do”

“Your eye to cheek size ratio is all wrong and your eyebrows should be further up your head"

“If you spent less time crying and drinking you would have achieved so much more with your life by now, you’re obviously not trying hard enough”

Fitzgerald is a caricature of my inner anxious and critical voice. Noticing your inner negative 'voice' and then naming it is a technique proposed in various forms by a multitude of mental health experts.

 Ziggy was my Martian messiah who twanged a guitar. Bowie called Ziggy a way to explore his massive celebrity during his first U.S. tour

- TIME'S Top 10 Alter Egos

Christiane Northrup (M.D. and author of Women's Health Women's Wisdom which I highly recommend) suggests that when you realise you are criticising yourself, for example looking in the mirror and picking apart your appearance; you create a name for that ‘voice’. When you have named the 'voice', whenever it pops up you can then counteract it with something positive. Christiane recommends literally standing in front of a mirror and saying outloud something like "I am fantastic, I am beautiful". (Which sounds lame but actually feels great - GO AND TRY IT).  Sleep With Me podcast creator 'Scooter' has named the ‘Brainbots’ that prevent him from falling asleep every night with their constant chatter and critiquing of his character and life decisions.

All of these suggestions essentially help prevent you from spiralling off into negative thinking - a negative thought pops up, you notice it, or name it, and you can then let it go a little easier. When I’m feeling anxious or a bit down and I think of Fitzgerald it really does help; I don’t take any of the inner harsh words so seriously and I can move on quicker instead of getting bogged down in bullsh*t.

We all need to be reminded to take things less seriously now and again

It may sound childish and silly but really who gives a sh*t

It's good to be playful. Regardless of whether you name it, simply recognising that harsh inner voice is helpful in itself. We often don't notice how frequently that voice tears us down, or realise how detrimental to our wellbeing this is.

 Studies have revealed strong correlations between negative self-talk and depression, social and performance anxiety, aggression, perfectionism and eating disorders, and self-harm. Those who practiced more self-reassurance and kind self-talk reported lower levels of depression and anxiety than did those who were naturally not kind or reassuring to themselves.

- Researchers Paul Gilbert, founder of the Compassionate Mind Foundation in the UK, and Kristin Neff, Ph.D., a self-compassion researcher at the University of Texas, Austin

It sounds pretty obvious; negative thoughts aren’t good for you... REVOLUTIONARY. But once you start taking notice you might be pretty surprised at how often your brain gives you little insults that are subtly weaved into your day to day thinking. Being able to counter these mini ‘f*ck yourselfs’ with something positive is key to mental contentment, and if we’re at a stage where we can even be amused by our mind’s unruly ways; we’re truly on the road to Epicness.

So, maybe you’ll get your own Fitzgerald, maybe you won’t. But wouldn’t you like to know about Pussy Galore?

Don't Fret You're Fantastic on Van
Amazing flared trousers are also one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself, pretty much a guaranteed way to make you feel fabulous. Image cc: insta @discoprincess1

The story of Pussy Galore (becoming more confident):

I’m subscribed to sex therapist Vanessa Marin’s emails and in one she describes what she calls The Alter Ego Effect.  One of her clients was having confidence issues around sex and she unthinkingly said to Vanessa that all she wanted was ‘to be the woman who loves sex’. Vanessa asked her to describe who this woman would be: “The woman who loves sex' was poised and self-assured, but also playful. She asked for what she wanted, and knew she deserved to get it. She didn’t hesitate to try something new in the bedroom, and she could laugh it off if it didn’t go perfectly.' So Vanessa asked her client to be that alter ego next time she was in the bedroom. Despite the client's misgivings about whether something like that could work, whether it would feel fake; the technique totally transformed her experience (great shag - happy customer).

Vanessa’s email reminded me of a time when I had used a similar concept without even meaning to; I was in bed with BF and we were pretty much asleep but all of a sudden I decided I wanted sex. I started to seductively use my hand on said BF but then thought ‘Actually.. what am I going to do here once I’ve raised the flag...?’ We were on holiday making up after a rough patch and thus had been having quite a lot of sex, often with me on top. I didn't want to do the same position again but you can’t exactly rouse someone and immediately demand that they go on top and do all the work. It wouldn’t really be fair on the surprised bleary-eyed soul. So as I was deliberating over my next move I wondered ‘if I was a pornstar what would I do…’ And still in the pitch black I straddled him in reverse cowgirl.

I'm not normally a huge fan of this position; I can never seem to get the rhythm right for long enough and I’m always overly conscious of the fact they could be staring right up my third eye...

But this time was different. Briefly imagining that I had infinite sexual confidence and prowess meant that I moved my body in a subtly different way and this, combined with being in the dark, heightened our senses and made everything feel newly intense and HOT AF.

Ending sex with simultaneous orgasms is surely one of life's great pleasures.

I will add that using standard porn as your guide for normal healthy sex is NOT a good idea, it’s generally just a lot of hard ramming and fake screaming. (Although there’s a lot of realistic and pleasant porn about these days if you look). I will also add that for some women orgasms are the imaginary part of it all, as in they don't exist, but it took me years of sex before I had one and they are still by no means guaranteed, I will delve into this more in Getting to Know Your Pussy: The Complete Guide - cumming soon!

Creating a full blown alter ego is a common theme in pop culture, it’s something that people do for all manner of reasons but they all essentially enable the person to boldly step out of their usual comfort zone. David Bowie had Ziggy Stardust, Eminem has Slim Shady.

Eminem on Stage
Eminem says his Slim Shady character spouts the things that Eminem can't. Image: Wikimedia_commons

So if my ‘alter ego’ had a name it would of course be Pussy Galore. (Only very loosely based on the James Bond character because although she flew planes and knew martial arts, she was originally a lesbian who Bond ‘cured’ - which is obviously problematic).

You don’t have to change the way you look or create an elaborate backstory for your new character and to benefit from it you don’t have take your clothes off or embark on new crazed adventures, it can be as simple as:

You’re loving life dancing to a band in the pub, everyone else you’re with is currently at the bar or in the loo, you’re still dancing away, then it dawns on you that to any onlookers you are simply a drunk woman dancing alone in the corner. So with this realisation you start thinking:

“Oh dear I probably look a bit sad right now..."

"And maybe I don’t look as sexy as I was imagining…"

"Perhaps I should sit down for a bit to preserve my dignity...”

But then you think “Aha! What would Pussy Galore do?! Would she give a f*ck - no! She would be doing whatever she wanted, being fabulous, not caring whether anyone else noticed or not!”

Then you just carry on dancing and enjoying yourself.

So now you've met my characters. The first one (Fitzgerald - the inner critic) is for reducing the effects of unhelpful negativity and the second one (Pussy Galore - the bold alter ego) is for amplifying positive traits that already exist.

As I mentioned at the beginning, these techniques are not necessarily appropriate for every situation. If you have taken hormonal contraception and had a severe negative reaction (eg depression/social anxiety/eating disorder) you may find yourself continually falling back into that negative pattern even after you’ve stopped taking the contraception. If this is the case a therapist who is trained in Human Givens may be incredibly helpful for undoing the damage. But the point is, getting to know these characters might help you lift the grey cloud a little quicker or achieve things you might normally struggle with.

♦ Over to You ♦

Have you ever used a similar technique to overcome anxiety? Is there something you've tried to help you be more confident behind closed doors? Please leave your comments below and any other thoughts PLUS share this with someone who would love it

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