Confidence is like Bitcoin. Anyone can get it, but a lot of people simply don’t know how. And once you’ve got some, the easier it is to get more.
Confidence is something you build. You have to practise and develop it over time, and we can all do so.
Lack of confidence results from a mismatch between the person you truly are, the person you tell yourself you are, and the person you convey yourself as.
When these three aspects of your life are in line; interacting with people and achieving things becomes easier because there is nothing you’re hiding, or getting twisted, and no reason to act with insecurity.
What does that mean?
The person you truly are is essentially the best version of yourself, the person you know you could be, if you weren’t held back (by yourself or external forces). It’s you acting completely as yourself, regardless of what anyone thinks, with your talents honed and your positive qualities in full use.
The person you tell yourself you are: Most of us practise far too much negative self talk and yet simultaneously operate under some level of delusion. We tend to be overly critical, whilst also being in denial about our faults. For example, how often in your head do you tell yourself you’re an idiot? But how often do you get in a disagreement with someone and think of all the ways that they are wrong, instead of assessing how you could have acted better?
The person you convey yourself as; is your outward behaviour. What do your words and actions say about you? Do you say what you believe or what you believe people want to hear? Do you keep the promises you make? What is your body language and posture like?
How do you get these 3 things in line?
- Know yourself – how would you spend your ideal day?
No, not lounging about drinking rum and recovering from the stress of life; what if you had to do the same things every day for the rest of your life, what would they be? Write it down. Knowing yourself also involves removing addictions, whether it’s to biscuits, gear or Pornhub, or even just biting your nails, because these bad habits or addictions are covering up something that needs to be addressed. And when we avoid the negative we are prevented from moving forward to the positive.
2. Practise making your inner talk compassionate and genuine. Sounds lame, but couldn’t be more vital.
When you notice you are inwardly putting yourself down, stop, and counteract it with something positive. And when you notice you are inwardly blaming people for things or cursing them for whatever it is, stop, and think about how you could take responsibility, or take the high road.
3. Practise acting and speaking in the way that feels most genuine. In essence, don’t chat shit, don’t be shady.
A lot of us tie ourselves in knots saying and doing the things that we think we ‘should’, that are expected of us, or that we think will or won’t elicit a certain response from someone. Notice the difference in doing and saying things in order to try and control the outcome vs doing and saying things because they are simply what feels right or true.
The more we clear out the bullshit, and get our thoughts and actions in line with our genuine self, the more confidence we build. Which might sound like lofty philosophical fraff, but really it is simple truth.