How to Give the Gift of Good Sex this Christmas: Does it Matter if That’s not My Vagina?

Does it Matter if That's not My Vagina? And Other Festive Gift Ideas

Have you ever considered hanging your private parts up on your wall?

Pomegranate looking like womb, ovaries and blood
Warning: Contains explicit content ♦ & is not to be used as medical advice ♥ Disclaimer here

Do you know what a vagina is?

It’s the cavity, the inside canal, the hole.

It’s the Latin word meaning ‘sheath’ or ‘place to rest your sword’.

Therefore, often when people say vagina some do-gooder citizen will correct them and say ohh noo, dear thing, you don’t mean vagina you mean vulva...

But actually the vulva is only the female external genitalia. Which is the outer lips, inner lips, clit and vestibule (sort of the ‘rest’ that surrounds the urethra and the opening of the vagina) - it does not include the vagina.

So really, both are inadequate. Who even cares? Well, many object to the use of vagina because it seems a bit unfairly man-orientated to only refer to the cavity:

"Every time we use the word 'vagina' … we're erasing the part that gives us the most pleasure," (the clitoris) "Does it matter? I think at a very unconscious, subtle level, it really does." Laurie Mintz, a professor of counseling psychology at the University of Florida

I had a phase of correcting everyone EVERYFUCKINGTIME they said vagina, whilst wearing a gold necklace that said ‘Cunt’ which I could point to and shove in their faces. But really, when you correct someone what you’re saying is oh gosh look how much more sexually empowered and liberal I am than you you can’t even name your own fanny properly daaaarling you must also be having awfully disappointing sex. Or something along those lines.

I’ve stopped that now. But the fact there even is a verbal disagreement is quite telling; if you can’t say something loudly and proudly then this can reinforce shame, shyness or confusion. Lots of men are enthusiastically sending dick pics to total strangers whilst lots of women are too self conscious to even enjoy getting head from their partner.

I wish women trash talked each other by banding around jocular insults about the size of their vaginas, the color of their clits, the intensity of their own smell … We're not there yet

Rebecca Jane Stokes

Perhaps an unconscious wrestle between being a ‘perfect girl’ vs a ‘powerful woman’ is why many women struggle to find the words that sound right on their tongue: ‘dicks, willies and cocks’ are fine for men because we expect them to be coarse, or gross or silly. But ‘fannies, pussies and cunts’ OH NO they don’t sound perfumed, pretty and tame... and wanking?! GOOD LORD a lady should never be so obscene!

But please, make no mistake, us women;


Here are some suggestions for your festive conversations:

  • Flangipange

  • Quivering Mound of Love Pudding (Mentioned this one to my mate and he thought I’d said ‘quivering mound of blood pudding’)

  • Honeypot

  • Shlong

  • Package

  • Sausage and chips

  • Sex For One

  • Master Bating

  • Dialling ‘O’ on The Pink Telephone (this is my new favourite)

Language is important but what’s more important than language is sentiment. It doesn’t so much matter what you’re calling anything if you are genuinely appreciating it; but we appear to have a few problems in this regard:

Men are bombarding google with questions about making their penises bigger, labiaplasty is the world’s largest growing plastic surgery and anal bleaching is casually becoming a trend.

We need to chill.

My friend and I were in the pub discussing someone we knew who was getting their arsehole bleached and all the men present were absolutely incredulous; ‘What?! We don’t care! We’d lick the sh*t out of it regardless! (genuine unanimous response).

Sidenote, I somehow got involved in a great game yesterday called ‘How many people have licked your bumhole?’ a nice one to remember if you’re stuck for smalltalk at your Christmas work do.

I must say though that I've never had a pussy I didn't like 


My current favourite experiment to quote is one that demonstrates how easily influenced we are; show the participants skinny models and they subsequently point to a skinny person as most attractive, show them models in a variety of sizes and they’ll then find a healthier weighted woman more attractive. We are simple creatures and in many respects are attracted to whatever our culture tells us is desirable, to what we are used to seeing. Exposure to a diverse range of bodies and bits is important, especially if you have insecurities about your own.

Did you know the Greeks used to prize smaller penises, deeming those with larger ones to be foolish and dumb like a donkey?

Did you know in Australia, media regulations limit what kind of vulvas are allowed to be shown? If they have ‘excess tissue’ or ‘protruding labia’ for example they are deemed to be obscene. But showing a sexually inviting vulva that’s photoshopped to make it look like a 5 year old’s is totally fine and dandy?!

It is difficult for those who feel that their parts are not ‘normal’ or what people ‘expect’ but sex is an exploration of your body and the ways in which it can give you pleasure; whether or not you look like a character from your average porno is irrelevant and the beauty of humanity is that we all vary incredibly. We don’t want to eat the same dinner every day do we?

So, this festive season, give the gift of good sex to family, friends and co-workers (because the less distracted by bodily insecurity anyone is the more they can enjoy their christmas shag):

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *