OF COURSE ‘normally the more they enjoy it the better they are’ is goddamn right. Mind blowing head comes from someone who is giving it their all and loving it. But this begs the question; if great head comes from someone who is really enjoying giving it, how do you orchestrate that?! Because you can’t force someone to enjoy themselves and if they’re not feeling it, then everybody loses.
We must start with the etiquette.
There is different etiquette for first time flings vs long term things.
The first time you are getting with someone there is nothing more annoying than if they ask for head in the first five minutes. You’ve barely started making out and already you’re getting demands; so all you know about them is that they have put their needs first straight off the bat. Sure, you might give them head anyway because you’re generous and optimistic, but you’re not likely to do it with much gusto.
There is nothing wrong with asking for what you want but obviously you have to think about the other person. The attitude of ‘well I ask for head and they say yes, and they never ask me for head so what’s the problem?’ is not sufficient. Before you think about the head you’re getting, think about the head you’re giving. In this sample of young people there was NOT ONE SINGLE INSTANCE where men solely gave cunnilingus, without either also having sex or getting head themselves, whereas 60% of the women surveyed had recently given fellatio without receiving anything themselves or having sex. That’s pretty significant. From this you might want to lazily conclude ‘ahhh men are so selfish what a bunch of dickheaddddsssss’. But hold your horses. A different study found that a higher percentage of men rate fellatio as ‘very appealing’ than women do, no surprise there, however men also rated cunnilingus as ‘very appealing’ more than the women did! This suggests that there are men running around enthusiastically receiving but also wanting to give the gift but that women are just generally more ‘meh’ about it all, which is A CRYING SHAME.
Another study looked further at these gender differences by assessing what people’s motivations were for giving and receiving head; men rated ‘pleasure’ as a higher motivation than women did, and women rated ‘insecurity’ or ‘pressure’ as motivating factors more highly than men did (although thankfully the findings were overall pretty positive and similar across genders).
Click here to read the post ‘what if you, or your partner, think giving head is gross’
perhaps what we could conclude is that some men could indeed be a bit more considerate, and that some women need to focus far more on what they actually want themselves.
Possibly another reason for women being less enthusiastic overall is that men need to brush up on their skills. When I was younger and drunker I put more effort into sucking dick (neck ache, mouth cramp, denial of a gag reflex) than some of those guys deserved. I worked hard to get to where I am today, and I didn’t come across as many young men out there breaking a sweat for the art. This means that further down the line they might not have the same skillset. (We could in part blame porn for this head inequality; most of us grow up seeing too many mouths around monster dicks).
but isn’t it so much easier giving head to a d*ck than to a p*ssy?
YES AND NO.
It’s kind of an easy cop out to say yeah but cunnilingus is more involved and difficult than fellatio. You could argue that licking a fanny is more intimate than just dipping the end of a penis in your mouth, but come on, that bit is still the hole that piss comes out of. Fannys do have more flaps and parts for fluids to be lurking, so in terms of squeamish factor we might be inclined to feel they’re a bit more of a gamble. But lest we forget that penises can change size, shape and direction and spurt out a jet of liquid unpredictably. So who is really gambling?
A guy once demonstrated to me that sometimes going down on a woman is like ‘makes a scrunched up face reminiscent of someone accidentally eating a lemon’. Which is biologically coherent; at infertile times of the month our cervical fluid is actually too acidic for sperm to survive in, whereas in fertile times it is not acidic.
Anyway, none of this means fellatio is easier than cunnilingus. It might however be fair to say that sucking dick is less intimidating because you have one obvious gauge of how successfully you’re doing it and a very clear and simple target; ie the hard on. When women are turned on they also do visibly swell up and get wetter but I will grant that sometimes these differences can be fairly subtle and there’s more scope for missing the mark. The other difference is that women are more prone to faking it; (50% of the women surveyed had faked at least one orgasm before, although interestingly, 25% of the guys had faked at least one orgasm too) which is obviously unhelpful for someone who is genuinely trying to please.
Communication can be a difficult thing.
As our gent says; sometimes it seems like people aren’t really into it. But if someone is giving you unenthused head how do you address this without embarrassing the hell out of them?! You would think anyone who was doing something they weren’t enjoying would just stop, but it’s a peculiar thing that happens sometimes when we get into bed with someone – we feel like we have entered into this legally binding contract that says YOU MUST FINISH WHAT YOU’VE STARTED! It’s a curious phenomenon (although makes sense in evolutionary terms, when the main goal is for the sperm to get somewhere).
Anyway, constructive criticisms framed within compliments are always the way to go in sexual situations (you’re so amazing, could you do that like this, or shall we have a break.. etc) then they aren’t totally mortified by being stopped in the middle of doing something that they thought you were enjoying.
You may wish to read the post ‘what is the right way to ask for head?’
Our esteemed gentleman also asks what we think the best way to give head is?
The best policy in any kind of ‘love’ making is to remember that it’s not a race to the finish line. Humans are pretty perceptive on the whole and when you sense that someone is simply trying to get you to cum ASAP it’s kind of off putting. It’s good to completely forget about The Orgasm at first and view it like you’re on an explorative journey; mixing it up with the location, tempo and action and seeing how their body responds. For a guided science lesson on blowjobs this article by sex therapist Vanessa Marin covers all the basics well, but for a more impassioned read; this woman’s description on Reddit of how she gives her bf head is pretty great (I don’t even have a dick but I’d def want her to suck mine and I mean that with the greatest respect).
To be able to give your partner amazing head and feel them be in a total state of pleasure is FIT. In a relationship you are able to develop your sex life over time, whereas when you hook up with someone there’s really no way to tell whether they’re going to love sucking your bits or not – all you can do is play your cards right and hope for the best.
Alternatively you could start introducing yourself with the line ‘I love to give head, do you?’ and see what happens.