Do Girls Like Giving Head?
A #MaleMondays request leads us to delve deep into the world of giving and receiving head
Join The Downstairs Club
Subscribe to become a part of The Club and get tailored advice and exclusive offers
Here is the anonymous #MaleMondays submission: What do girls think the best way to give a blowjob is... a lot of girls are scared to get messy or just really get into it. It would be interesting to see if girls genuinely enjoy it? Normally the more they enjoy it the better they are?!
This is an excellent question.
So let’s start by saying YES ‘Normally the more they enjoy it the better they are’ is goddamn right. Mind blowing head comes from someone who is giving it their all and loving it. But this begs the question; if great head comes from someone who is really enjoying giving it, how do you orchestrate that?! Because you can’t force someone to enjoy themselves and if they’re not feeling it, then everybody loses.
We must start with the etiquette.
There is different etiquette for first time flings vs long term things.
The first time you are getting with someone there is NOTHING more annoying than if they ask for head in the first five minutes; you’ve barely started making out and already you’re getting demands, (are they going to give you head afterwards?! You don’t know! Are they even going to f*ck you?! You don’t know!) all you know is that they have put their needs first straight off the bat. So sure, you might give them a bit of head anyway because you’re polite and generous, but you’re not likely to do it with much gusto.
There is nothing wrong with asking for what you want but obviously you have to think about the other person. The attitude of ‘well I ask for head and they say yes, and they never ask me for head so what’s the problem?’ is not sufficient. Before you think about the head you’re getting, think about the head you’re giving. In this sample of over 400 young people there was NOT ONE SINGLE INSTANCE where men solely gave cunnilingus, without either also having sex or getting head themselves, whereas 60% of the women surveyed had recently given fellatio without receiving anything themselves or having sex. That’s pretty significant. From this you might want to lazily conclude ‘ahhh men are so selfish what a bunch of dickheaddddsssss’. But hold your horses. A different study found that a higher percentage of men rate fellatio as ‘very appealing’ than women do, no surprise there, however men also rated cunnilingus as ‘very appealing’ more than the women did! This suggests that there are men running around enthusiastically receiving but also wanting to give the gift but that women are just generally more ‘meh’ about it all, which is A CRYING SHAME.
Another study looked further at these gender differences by assessing what people’s motivations were for giving and receiving head; men rated ‘pleasure’ as a higher motivation than women did, and women rated ‘insecurity’ or ‘pressure’ as motivating factors more highly than men did (although thankfully the findings were overall pretty positive and similar across genders).
Perhaps what we could conclude is that some men could indeed be a bit more considerate, but that some women need to focus far more on what they actually want themselves.
Possibly another reason for women being less enthusiastic overall is that men need to brush up on their skills. When I was younger and drunker I definitely put way more effort into sucking d*ck than some of those guys deserved; neck ache, some mouth cramp, the constant overriding of my gag reflex (I very nearly threw up on someone), but my point being that I worked hard to get to where I am today. I’m not necessarily recommending this pathway but there are definitely a lot less young men out there breaking a sweat for the art; which means that further down the line they might not have the same skillset.
But isn’t it so much easier giving head to a d*ck than to a p*ssy?
YES AND NO.
It’s kind of an easy cop out to say yeah but giving head to a woman (cunnilingus) is more involved and difficult and giving head to a man (fellatio) is so easy. You could argue that licking a fanny is more intimate than just dipping the end of a penis in your mouth, but come on, that bit is still the hole that piss comes out of. Women do have a variety of juices going on but that’s no different from a man's spunk at the end of the day, however, I think it is fair to say that women do have more flaps and parts for fluids to be lurking and the taste of us does vary throughout the month so in terms of squeamish factor we might be a bit more of a gamble.
A guy once demonstrated to me that sometimes going down on a woman is like ‘makes a scrunched up face reminiscent of someone accidentally eating a lemon’ (which is biologically coherent; at infertile times of the month our cervical fluid is actually too acidic for sperm to survive in, whereas in fertile times it is not acidic).
So that’s fine, but that doesn’t mean fellatio is easier than cunnilingus. It might however be fair to say that sucking d*ck is less intimidating because you have one obvious gauge of how successfully you’re doing it and a very clear and simple target; ie the hard on. When women are turned on they also do visibly swell up and get wetter but I will grant that sometimes these differences can be fairly subtle and there's more scope for missing the mark. The other difference is that women are more prone to faking it (50% of the women surveyed had faked at least one orgasm before, although interestingly, 25% of the guys had faked at least one orgasm too!) which is obviously unhelpful for someone who is genuinely trying to please.
A Little More Head Etiquette
Another way to guarantee you’re not going to get great head, alongside asking for it in the first 5 seconds, is asking twice in a row when you didn’t get it the first time. For example, you ask someone for head and they don’t refuse, perhaps they smile coyly and kiss you more, but they don’t actually do it; this is not because they didn’t hear you - it’s because they do not want to but they don’t want to make things awkward by flat out refusing.
Don’t ask again.
Maybe they’ll relent just to shut you up, but as we’ve already discussed; unenthusiastic head isn’t very good, and you don’t want to be that d*ckhead anyway. This sounds like a really obvious and basic bit of ‘understand the definition of consent’ lecturing but it’s more necessary than we would like to think.
Sometimes these lines that are crossed are so subtle that people don't even know when they've made a mistake.
How about the folks in relationships though trying to navigate some level of head equality?
Obviously you can’t expect more than you’re willing to give. But what if you’re giving and not getting?
This can be a very tricky situation to be in because if you don’t ask you don’t get, but conversely the more you ask the less you may get because the person will be feeling too hassled, however if you only ask occasionally and still get rejected this can make you resentful and the other person resentful too for being put in that situation. COMPLICATED. What you first need to remember is that it is never ever ok to get annoyed with someone because you’re not getting what you want. Kris Gage wrote a wonderful article about a rapper who had announced on live radio that he didn’t really give his gf head and then the internet had gone mad slagging him off. But as Kris pointed out; what if that had been a woman, would everyone have felt it was ok to launch such an attack? Head is a gift, not a measure of someone’s character. I have been guilty of making this mistake before. What you need to establish is why you’re getting less than you’re giving, in other words why doesn’t your partner want to give you much head? You need to ask them! And maybe you’re not going to like what they tell you but that’s tough sh*t, you’re the one who wants the change so you have to be prepared to handle whatever they say. Maybe they just want to chill more than you do; navigating differences in your sex drives is damn tricky but its something most couples have to deal with at some point.
Or what if actually they just think it’s kind of gross?!
Well this ties nicely in with the question from our gentleman and his concern about people being scared to really get into it. Some people are kind of squeamish. We live in a germaphobe world where everything has to be sanitised and bleached and we’re constantly fed unrealistic airbrushed imagery; the pussies are small and symmetrical and the dicks are massive and hard and of course everything is hairless. We all know that’s not what real bodies are like, but yet we can’t help kind of expecting and wanting them to be so.
A wonderful but essentially disturbing study exposed people to one minute of images of various models and then asked them to choose the woman they found most attractive out of a line up (which was pictures of the same woman that been edited to show her ranging from fat to skinny). After one minute of exposure to pictures of skinny models; the woman that people selected as most attractive was super skinny with an unhealthily low BMI. Whereas after one minute of exposure to a range of models including plus size; the participants rated the healthy weighted woman as most attractive.
It’s such an important finding because it shows just how easily manipulated we are. And it explains why there may be so many people who genuinely wrestle with themselves because they really want to embrace the ‘au naturel’ in their partner, but kind of struggle to really be into it. We have to fight the brainwashing we are subjected to; we want to live in a world where we get to give and receive lots of amazing head and for this to happen we all need to be proud of our bits and appreciative of other peoples’. Individuals who report more negative perceptions of their genitals are less likely to engage in oral sex. Those who are insecure about their general body image are likely to be insecure about their genitals, and these insecurities in turn lead to less sexual pleasure.
Women tend to report less favourable perceptions of their genitals, and greater concern about body hair and genital odour, than do men. A lot of women can't relax during cunnilingus because they feel self conscious.
Your Bits Appreciation Tips
(genitals is such an ugly word - find your own favourite term)
- Consider if you have any unconscious negative feelings about Bits; have you internalised a belief that they’re something to be ashamed of? (writing these down can help release them)
- The more you love your Bits the more you can enjoy yourself; so get to know. Look at yours in a handheld mirror and don’t shy away
- Accept that dicks and fannies are kind of weird and silly and gross sometimes. That’s literally part of the whole appeal of sex; it IS dirty and messy and pervy! It’s two humans embracing each other in their most vulnerable and private states and getting ruffled and sweaty and smelly together and having a f*cking wonderful time - it’s the grown up version of playing in the dirt and embracing the joy and mess.
How to get over squeamishness?
The standard advice for becoming less squeamish is to keep going into each situation, make sure you’ve eaten and are well hydrated, and that you keep moving your legs. Good solid advice (even if it is only intended for those people who are worried about passing out).
These are all excellent tips to apply in your mouth-all-over-someone’s-Bits life. As that study showed earlier, what we see heavily influences what we like so don’t surround yourself with unrealistic imagery (not everyone has a six pack or t*ts like pink melons). And remember, when you think about getting head, first think about the head you’re giving: Do you want a guy to bury his face in your flower, but you hate having his cum in your mouth? Or do you want the girl to swallow but you’re kind of afraid of her juices? Because clearly, that ain’t fair.
I would personally find it incredibly offensive if someone went down on me and then spat...
Sometimes people aren’t squeamish they’re just shy. It can be intimidating all on your own down there.
Communication is a difficult thing. As our gent says sometimes it seems like people aren’t really into it; but if someone is giving you unenthused head how do you address this without embarrassing the hell out of them?! You would think anyone who was doing something they weren’t enjoying would just stop, but it’s a peculiar thing that happens sometimes when we get into bed with someone - we feel like we have entered into this legally binding contract that says YOU MUST FINISH WHAT YOU’VE STARTED!
It’s a curious phenomenon. Anyway, you could touch the person and say something along the lines of ‘that’s really nice but if you’re tired you can stop’, then they aren’t totally mortified by being stopped in the middle of doing something that they thought you were enjoying. Constructive criticisms framed within compliments are always the way to go in sexual situations.
Our esteemed gentleman also asks what us girls think the best way to give head is?
Well, the best policy in any kind of ‘love’ making activity is to remember that it’s not a race to the finish line. Humans are pretty perceptive on the whole and when you sense that someone is simply trying to get you to cum ASAP it’s kind of off putting. It’s good to completely forget about The Orgasm at first and view it like you’re on an explorative journey; mixing it up with the location, tempo and action and seeing how their body responds (then you can gauge how to get them really close to cumming, then drop the pace, then take it up again, so they eventually get overwhelmed and have an incredible orgasm - basic edging). For a guided science lesson on blowjobs this article by sex therapist Vanessa Marin covers all the basics well, but for a more impassioned read; this woman’s description on Reddit of how she gives her bf head is pretty great (I don’t even have a d*ck but I’d def want her to suck mine).
An informal survey of my close friends found that ‘yes we f*cking love giving head (when we’re in the mood) and it’s a massive turn on and anyone that doesn’t love it is missing out’. To be able to give your partner amazing head and feel them be in a total state of pleasure is f*cking sexy and powerful. In a relationship you are able to develop your sex life over time, whereas when you hook up with someone there’s really no way to tell whether they’re going to love sucking your Bits or not - all you can do is play your cards right and hope for the best.
Best Wishes x
More Like This:
♦ Over to You ♦
How have you dealt with communicating about head? What do you think people sometimes forget to consider? Leave any comments below and please share this piece if you liked it!
Join The Downstairs Club
Subscribe to become a part of The Club and get tailored advice and exclusive offers