BYB: “Why has my sexual desire disappeared, and how do I reconnect to myself as a sexual being?”

"Why has my sexual desire disappeared, and how do I reconnect to myself as a sexual being?"

below your bush: A Submission

Unicorns thinking about sex, with beer and weed
Warning: Contains explicit content ♦ Disclaimer here ♦ Image cc: orivginal

27, cis heterosexual female in a long term relationship, living with partner

I have no idea anymore! I used to love focusing on the pleasure of my partner, increasing their desire and pleasure would turn me on, but my current partner has allowed me to be lazy in that respect, which I loved to begin with, and now I feel lost and don't know what I want or like particularly. Overarching things below:

I love feeling deeply connected to my partner.

I like to feel sexy, desired, that my partner wants me.

I like gentle yet firm caresses/embraces

I don't like to feel rushed through to intercourse. I don't like something to feel too powerful too quickly, if power and strength comes into play sooner than I am ready, it translates to rough which turns me off, makes me apprehensive about pain, tenses me up, and therefore intercourse can be painful.

I don't like to have sex because I feel I should, to me that is the saddest sex.

I don't like not being mentally present with my partner during sex.

I don't like hard thrusts, it's way too painful.

I don't like not being ready.

I don't like not knowing what I want! I hate not being able to answer that question 'what do you want?' I DON'T FUCKING KNOW BUT NOT THAT!!

I am currently in the thick of sexual confusion, as my sexual desire has steadily decreased to about 0/10 at current over the last 18 months, I have been with the same partner throughout that time (longest relationship and first time cohabiting).

Our worries are that within 3 years of our relationship, my sexual desire has already evaporated, yet his is still the same. We see each other as our life partners, but this is a serious aspect which we don't want to say goodbye to this early on!

In my current relationship the struggle is to refind my sexual desire, how to bring that back in to our lives, why has my sexual desire disappeared, and how do I reconnect to myself as a sexual being? I feel a-sexual, which I never was before in all my life, I loved being a sexual person from about 13 yrs old if not younger.

When we first got together, our sex life was loving, caring and full of desire - it was a breath of fresh air from the most recent sexual partner I had been with before who was too rough and the relationship had been mentally destructive for me, so entering in to this sexual relationship where my partner was 90% focused on my sexual pleasure (reaching orgasm) and no interest to push me to focus on his - I reveled in it! But consequently got lazy and stopped focusing on his pleasure (the first thing I mentioned I liked in sex above!) Reaching orgasm no longer feels like a pleasure - it's like it's devalued because he can make me orgasm consistently whether or not I was particularly sexually aroused or desired sexual intimacy at that time and maybe my sexual fulfilment needs more than 'tick box orgasm'... but he loves to make me orgasm, how to balance both?!

Still working on overcoming - I'm reading a lot, listening to a lot of podcasts whereby 'a loss of sexual desire in long term relationships' seems very normal, and communiation with your partner and connecting with yourself as a sexual person seem top areas to work on (once you've illiminated stress, tiredness, health, exercise etc). My partner and I have spoken over the last 8 months about my decreasing sexual desire, but i don't feel overly confident talking about it with him, I feel guilty, and i find it hard to say these things to him. i don't think I feel overly supported by him when i do bring up the topic, so i'm hesitant to do so. i suspect he also finds it difficult to manage his male ego, it feels like to him I am not sexually attracted to him as much or anymore.

Reading Emily Nagoski's 'Come as you are' was fantastic and I recommend to anyone who has a vulva, although I am still trying to put in to practice things i have learnt there...

So touching and so relatable, sincerely wishing you all the best on your sexual journey! Thank you for opening up to below the bush.

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